Thursday, 12 May 2016

A woodlouse by any other name...

In the garden this evening Meredith befriended a woodlouse.

It crawled inside her sleeve.

She looked into the end of her sleeve and said...

'Dave! Dave! Are you in there?'

'Dave Meredith?'

'Yes Mummy, Dave.'

Thursday, 5 May 2016

In a dark, dark house

Creeping, silently, like a ninja.

In the dark, quiet, of night suddenly an eerie whisper,

'Daddy, DADDY!

I've lost my pillow...'


A rose by any other name

Meredith had a little headache when she went to bed last night so I gave her some calpol.

Waking up this morning the first thing she asked for was more medicine.

Mummy, there's a girl in my class called Medicine.

Pause - racks brain.

Maddison, Meredith, there's a girl in your class called Maddison.

Sleep is for wimps!

Heathcliff woke up about an hour ago screaming.

I went in and he was straight up and into my arms mumbling 'Mummy Daddy bedroom, I 'cared of my 'reams'

Because I am a softy he came in to our room for cuddles.

I have since been thwacked around the face three times and berated with the words...

'Mummy, 'top 'noring. I tryin' go 'leep now!'

He is now back in his own room.

He is asleep....

...I'm not...

Thursday, 3 March 2016

Epic Parenting Fail of the Day.

I was standing in the playground this morning chatting when suddenly H sort of splattered face down right in front of me and behind a group of mums and teachers.

Every single person there turned round and instinctively bent down towards him.

Except me.

I laughed.

I am not a good parent...

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Like Father, Like Son

This morning, snuggled up in bed with H I asked if he'd like a cuddle.

He reversed into me and said 'mummy, cuddle bottom'

I cuddled his bottom.

Cue the worlds biggest trump right in my face and lots of giggling from the child.

He quite obviously gets his sense of  humour from his father...

Sunday, 28 February 2016

D-U-S-T = 'DONE!'

While H has his afternoon nap M and I have been working on her words.

She is currently singing a very very sad song about 'how much my mummy makes me cross', there is a very very sad dance as well.

I dont think this has gone particularly well.

Friday, 5 February 2016

They grow up so fast

M is off to her Valentines disco this evening.

I'm usually at the ptfa events because I'm on t'committee but I'm  strangely otherwise engaged at the moment so she's not used to being left there on her own.

I was just having a chat to check she was happy...turns out she is...

'Um, mummy, sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to dance with Freddie, so um, well that's that really Mummy'

I dont know if Freddie is aware of this plan.

Sorry Freddie...

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

It's all in the delivery

In hospital my drugs were delivered to me in a teeny paper pot.

At home my drugs are delivered to me in a shot glass.


They let me out!

That's it for this evening, I am making the most of my ridiculously peaceful house and I'm going to fully appreciate every single second of sleep I get tonight.

From the mouths of babes

When the kids came to visit yesterday evening they proudly presented me with their hand made get well soon cards.

This is M's

I'm not entirely sure why she thought I was in hospital but I seem to have sustained a serious head injury.
Although, that could be a hat.

This is H's

I asked him what it was, as even with my toddler trained eye I couldn't be sure.
The response was innocently honest;
"Mummy Mess!"

An astoundingly accurate portrait of how I was feeling at that exact moment.

When I get home....

I'm going to sit on my sofa and gorge on chocolate.

My brother, who had been holding a bit of extra weight, has shed an amazing amount of poundage by eating shitloads of fruit and walking 10,000 steps each day.

The last time I saw him, a few weeks ago, he looked bloody fantastic and really inspired me to walk off the pounds.

Duely, over the next three weeks I ate many many many pieces of fruit and endeavoured to walk my 10,000 steps daily...I really enjoyed it.

I've lost 11 pounds and apart from this whole lung based malarkey feel fabulous.

Then I got pneumonia.

I came to hospital where they filled me full of intravenous fluids - 7 litres in fact over the course of the first 24 hours.

Now, to be fair, I am sitting here feeling so so much better so obviously the fluids (antiB's and lovely codeine) have done their job.

Did you know that 1 litre of water is approximately 1kg in weight.

7kgs of fluids! 7 kilos!

They just weighed me.

I am back to my start weight.

I can't wait to get home.

Tuesday, 2 February 2016

It's in the genes

So here I am sitting in my hospital bed, looking forward to my visit from Mum, Andy and the munchkins.

As soon as they arrived I was moved because my current bed was close to the nurses station and they needed it for another more needy patient.

Whoop! I am no longer needy!
Still won't let go home though.

Anyhoo...they said is it okay if we move you from B Bay to D Bay.

Mum responded 'It's a good job they didn't put you in E Bay - no one would have bought you...'

I think we know where I get it from.

Well, this is a bit pants

This was meant to be a lighthearted diary of my daily affairs.

Today though, my affairs have mostly been taking place in hospital.

Have been feeling a little on the rough side so tootled off to the docs this morning.

I thought I had a bit of a chest infection, was expecting a prescription for AntiB's and to be sent on my way....

Instead he sent me off to hospital with a suspected blood clot!

Along with these reassuring words, 'if you start to feel worse don't drive quicker, stop and call an ambulance'...alrighty then!

So here I am, fortunately not with a blood clot as that would have been nasty but with pneumonia, actual bloody pneumonia!

Just for the record could I point out that I am in fact 40 not 80, bloody pneumonia!

Am surrounded by lovely old people and feel that I am fitting right in...coughing, snoring, drinking lots of tea.

The lady next door keeps mumbling 'tea or coffee, tea or coffee' in a slightly eerie combination of Mrs Doyle & Mrs Overall.

I'm sitting here with baited breathe to see if the next expulsion will be 'Go on Go on Go on' or 'MACAROOOONS!'

Oooo codeine, lovely, might start breathing normally soon and get some sleep.

Sunday, 31 January 2016

I think I'm in trouble

Each evening, depending on M's antics for the previous hour, she gets to choose either a bedtime story read to her, or a story that she makes up herself.

The rules of story telling are;
We hold up our hands and for each sentence of the story we bend down a finger.

Finger #1 has to be 'once upon a time'.

Final finger has to be 'they all lived happily ever after'

The number of digits that we start with is dependant on madams willingness to brush teeth, wee, put on pyjamas etc.

This evenings shenanigans ended with a abridged five finger story, due to muchous faffage from herself - this news was met with much much sadness.

The story was thus.

  • Once upon a time there was a Mummy, a Daddy and a little girl
  • They went for a walk in the beautiful woods.
  • They met a big scary wolf.
  • The wolf ate the Mummy all up.
  • They all lived happily ever after.

I can't put my finger on it but I think she's trying to tell me something.

Challenged Motherhood

You've all seen it, and possibly been sucked into its boastful grasp.

I am speaking, of course, of the Motherhood Challenge.

The nominating of mummy friends and posting of cute ickle photos of your squidgey little cherubs as you all vie to be the 'Greatest Mother Of All Time!'

I was, sadly, not nominated by any of my friends, despite quite obviously being 'The Greatest Mother Of All Time'.

I can only guess that none of my friends could bear the thought of having their greatness trampled over as I post photos of my beautiful, impeccably behaved twosome as they excel at home made arts and crafts, countryside walks and all round fun fun fun antics.

I suspect, however, the real reason is because my friends know me too well and expect the sarcastic old shrew to not take it too seriously.

Despite not being nominated I thought long and about my three photos in case I was called upon to claim my crown.

I think they speak for themselves.

My title is undisputed.

Are you sitting comfortably...

The small boy took great offence when his big sister took into upon herself to drive off on a camping holiday without him. 

To be clear she drove off in her pretend car, which is the actually the sofa. 

It is stationary.

He could get on it at anytime
Instead he chose to stand in front of it with his arms outstretched screaming dramatically "Wait Me! Wait Me!"

I have no idea where he gets it from...